Thursday, October 06, 2005

sun is shining

flipping through my limited cable channel selection the other night (70 channels, no HBO and no onDemand, so basically i watch commercials) and while flipping, i stop on the TV Guide channel to see what's on, and the next thing i know joan rivers and her ever-so-annoying daughter melissa are braying at me like two donkeys competing on american idol, absolutely entranced by how "mah-velous" the cast of "desperate housewives looks on the Emmy red carpet.
i am not bullshitting when i say joan rivers reminds me of george burns's walking corpse. if you put thick black frame glasses on her, take off her wig and shove a cigar in her mouth, joan'd have you saying "Goodnight Gracie!" in the time it takes her daughter to sound like an idiot (which, for those that don't know, is roughly 3 seconds.) but i digress, the real issue at hand is what aired after joan rivers' prattling almost caused me to have an aneurysm and i switched over to watch the post-emmy coverage on the E! channel...or maybe it was the post-post-Emmy show...or maybe even the post-Emmy party-post show. anyway...even the horror that is joan rivers could not prepare me for the world's most delicious train wreck, witnessed immediately afterward on the E! channel...tara reid in her own globe-trotting adventure show, "taradise."
the exclamation mark is the most important part of the "E!" channel brand because it indicates the "E!"xcitement and pure "E!"lation to follow the "E"!, as in "E"ntertainment!!!! with wall to wall coverage of who and what your favorite stars are doing, nothing beats "E!" in terms of pure junk food for media-obsessed fanboys, sycophants, and stalkers alike.
there's a moment in "the big lebowski," incidental but important, when a bikini clad bunny lebowski (played by tara reid) asks the dude to blow on her freshly painted green toenails, and then offers him a blowjob in exchange for a $1000, thus establishing two key plot points A: bunny is in desperate need of money, and B: she's willing to do anything to get it. then, after the post-Emmy wrap up-pre-post-Emmy party show, tara reid herself appears before me, on her new E! channel show "Taradise," and confirms what i'd always been suspicious of since that scene in "the big lebowski": tara reid is A: in desperate need of money and B: willing to do anything to get it.
For those of you not familiar "taradise" involves tara in sort of skimpy clothing to so-skimpy-she-might-as-well-be-naked clothing (depending on the position of the sun), hanging out with her friends, drinking, eating and having a "tara"-effic time (made up that one myself...)
not 5 minutes into the episode do the words "i'm horny" come out of her mouth...and then...amidst an entire group of people at dinner..."i need to find a boy to make out with." mind you, this girl took part in one of the finest American comedies of all time, and now she's playing herself in some sort of faux-"girls gone wild" motif (sans nudity sadly, thereby depriving the viewers of the two most interesting aspects of tara's personality) and stumbling her poor drunken self through the new wave of celebrity reality: the downfall. but hey, at least she's not like poor danny bonaduce who actually cried (like a man mind a man) about the dissolvement of his marriage due to his alcohol problems. ms. reid avoids that dilemma, apparently by drinking herself to the point where remembering even her own name, let alone the guy's she slept with, becomes problematic.
"taradise" helped me realize something though. entertainment, in most cases, sucks. broadcast tv, with the odd exception of an "arrested development", a "family guy", or even a "lost" (which by the way makes for quite riveting television, despite the absolute impossibility of its premise), lacks substance and style. take this over to music and the song remains the same. the radio blows, spouting mostly vapid and artless drivel. ditto movies (i mean come on..."the dukes of hazzard"? of all the shows in the history of television, they pick one where the main characters are a car and a girl's ass to make into a feature length film?) so what i propose to those select few that are chosen by me is to turn this site, my blog, now your blog, into a way to rant about the things in and around us that completely piss us off and a place to rave about the things no one else might know about and should know about. together, like voltron, we can defeat the forces of evil that allow tara reid to destroy herself on television, and allow maury povich to degrade young women and men on a daily basis by airing their innermost secrets and privacies on national television, in front of a leering, abusive audience. let us rain down on their kingdom of stupidity with brazen wit, unyielding cynicism, and an absolute lack of tolerance for bullshit. once the door opens, they'll never be able to close it on us again.


Blogger MagicWilliams said...

speaking of danny b.--holy shit. I hate reality tv, however, i do appreciate it for the sole fact that it provides wonderful material for "The Soup." After watching Joel McHale make some serious fun of Danny, I decided I had to watch "Breaking Bonaduce," and I haven't looked back sense.

I got to see a shirtless Bonacoocie ride a Razz-type vehicle to the liquor store, proceed to pour a pint of Absolut into a half-full bottle of Ocean Spray and proceed to chug the entire fucking thing...i'm talking "Nick Cage in Las Vegas-style." Holy Crap! It was totally awesome.

Then, the shittiest therapist of all time asks/tells D.B. "We had a breakdown." The Doochie then asks, "Want to see a trick?" The following action was not so much a "trick," as it was Dan breaking a ceramic coffee mug over his head and proceeding to stare directly at the "therapist."

I would pay an extra five dollars a month to see "Breaking Bonnaduce," and all I hyave to do is flip E!

3:23 PM  

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